Lag B'Omer (1992)
I wanted to write - open my heart, drain the tubes, take a deep hollow and clear breath, but I do not go! Coming in and out, ringing and knocking, asking, commenting ... Where is this anger from ?!
There is a pretense in writing, but that is not what I mean - but an attempt to concentrate and take out as if from such a painting. If I can get out, I might as well "get" back and connect with myself. No! Phone voices, technical arrangements, the pen does not write! - What is the source of this anger ?!
There is already the smell of Lag B'Omer. Lag B'Omer - spring, picnics. Lag B'Omer in Israel, down Mount Herzl, bonfires and a dome and the Western Wall ..., Lag B'Omer of feeling Zvi for the first time .. Daddy in Israel, Lag B'Omer of Depression and Webbul - Telz-Stone, Lag B'Omer in America, Lag B'Omer Nehama - additional, lighter depth, Lag B'Omer in one-year-old Paji Nehama, Lag B'Omer Ker (pregnancy) sewing, Lag B'Omer in Kiryat Moshe in the field, Lag B'Omer with our own bonfire, falafel, Birthday songs and farewell to Dad - his death ... (Grandpa died on Lag B'Omer who had a heart attack, the night before he celebrated Nehama's birthday with a family bonfire in Kiryat Moshe).
And a year after his death and the decision of K.A. (The success of moving apartment to Kiryat Arba), and two years to .. and abortion, and 3 years to .. and 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and 8 - we were not (in a cemetery at my father's memorial) a bat mitzvah (of Nechama), and today ..
I tried a memory exercise to embrace my memory, practice and try to grasp and I am vague - an attempt to remember, not only the orderly technical "day" that can be grasped by date, season, day, event and smell, but to remember at all.
Remember and feel the love (yours), the warmth, the rising laughter, the good eye it grows (and I am really big and wanting), the education, the appreciation, the teaching, the guidance, the guidance - the guiding hand out of trust and freedom, the warm healthy laughter, the endless messages Without words, Boosts are so precious.
How sad you are !! And how much you worried about me in that year of immigration. How I prayed for you!
Dad - Where are my memories? I will? How will I be? I so need to blow you into me that I can get sick and breathe out ...
what did you say to me? What are you telling me now? Near or far? Sentimental and pleasant - yes but real! What ?! What are you telling me? Support me! Strengthens me! Hugging and protecting! Explains and hears, and your eyes, and your patience.
The length of your strength and the light of your spirit, Pat, what have you brought me? quorum? What else is behind me? Who were your parents? Your brother? Why did you Why did you marry with mom? What was your life like? What will you save for my brother? to me? I was disappointed? What are your ambitions? what did you want? Why did you live? And why did you die? Why ?! I'm missing you, and it hurts and I lose, and there is no - - no.
Am I like you? Am I different from you? Am I comfortable with you or a stranger? Your me or another? Do you know me or not?
Daddy will enter my heart! I'm sad and confused. I do not know about my children, my body, myself, Eli - I need help now
Father, my father, will recommend honesty to me, to us, to our family and to the whole house of Israel. Amen!