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An Unborn White Letter / Dina Horovitz

Rabbi Eli and Dina Horowitz had four children. Rebbetzin Dina had a blood pressure problem, and the doctors recommended that she not get pregnant again after her first pregnancy. Dina went through many pregnancy attempts, went through seven miscarriages and two children who died near birth.

Letter written by Rebbetzin Dina after a quiet birth:

Thursday evening, R.H. Adar, 2004

"When Adar enters, many rejoice"

Gd gave and Gd took may Gd's name be blessed

Blessed are you, O Lord our God, King of the world, Dayan of Truth

Blessed are you, O Lord our God, King of the good and benevolent world

Gd gave and Gd took, may Gd's name be blessed

Our dear son,

This son we did not get to see and I did not hug him in my hand and I did not feel his body heat and the intensity of his sucking and I did not experience his body trembling, all excitement and lust for food - lust for life - our son, I do not know if he is light as deer or dark as seven As the statistics show or curly hair, even his voice I did not get to hear.

My son, how much I weep for you - how much my heart goes out to you, all my longing and passion for you, my son.

My son, I am very, very sorry that we experienced so much together and gave so much to each other and so we were united, together, together, one we were. All your life I have given you and oh how much you have given me, how much and how much, I am sorry that we have not had the privilege even for a moment to continue this connection to life, for life and out of life and within life. How I long for you and want you very much with all my heart and essence. How did such love get stuck and how is it so hard for me now. The connection remains, the pain remains, and the life of longing and passion for you, my son.

But now everything has jumped to another level. I will not be able to kiss you, I will not be able to breastfeed you, I will not be able to sing to you, no, no, everything has been jumped to another place, and I am in darkness, in search of some thread, some enlightenment to seize this plain, You were with me and we were disconnected, so to speak. But I'm sure I'll find you again and get stuck and connected again. God will help me and direct my ways straight to you.

My son, who will not embrace my heart, may be swallowed up in my heart and I will recognize you on a more abstract level - without time, body and warmth and place, but no less constructive ... Breaking love and heroism, light and blessing, great for the world ...

So hard for me, so painful for me and so I am not willing to give up on you, my son. I will never, ever forget your memory.

My son, I want to go on to detail, who you were and what you were, I have a lot to tell about the short period of your life in my womb, but I find that I can not leave you to talk about you - maybe this is the last time we can talk like this; I do not have the words, I do not have the expression, the crying is not enough and the singing is not enough. Scream? But I can no longer remain silent ...

... but I will overcome greatly. I just want to write this word constantly: "My son, our dear son."

... even more than that !!! What a lesson you have taught me, my dear son, from the beginning of your creation: Here is Dina, life, life, life is much stronger, real, eternal, existing, vast than all your perception! And with a laugh - as it is written in Arlene on the wall "the sun will rise in the morning even without your help". Direct direct care, without any illusions and confusions, God has given.

... I had plans and even ready dates, many areas of life, and you came and proclaimed aloud - the world exists even without you helping, life flows even without you understanding, and above all - blessing lines even without you hoping. God has given you, my son, a direct gift; You are all a gift, you are all the sun that shines, the current wave, the wind blows in stopping a soul, in closing eyes, and the blessing is sown, already exists and grows and develops, how ?? Not with my help, a gift that is all God's blessing, direct and direct to my mercy.

How did I hug you ?! How was I filled with you? How I felt the good fills me more and more! Every moment of nausea reminded me of the secret I learned, every bad day you liked and your talk about me more (Sukkot holidays), and above all, every kick and movement of yours filled me with happiness, light and heat endless, endless.

Blessed are you, what a good part and what a pleasant fate !!! Such acceptance, such education - so direct, so everything! Give the child raisins and almonds to cheer him up, but the sweets are not the study, "sweeter than honey and a viewer landscape." The next world that means is the goal, or so I thought. Shaking your tiny legs would fill me with happiness.

... The blessing is a line from a great source, in a very direct and very illuminating way, and in any case, whether we see it or not, whether we want it or not. This is what you were to me, you gave it to me in your life in me, in your movements and in your clashes on my womb wall, my son.


Oh my son - just as I could not leave you before, so I am prevented and can not stop writing. On your feet and little hands, that I felt them and loved them so much. With all the effort, I am unable to express even a small grain of feeling that has washed over me with every sign of life from you. I so want to describe !! And I have no words. Nostalgia I do not seek, it is blurry and confusing, but a tool of expression, ways of description, and I have not.

Oh, my son, I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you comes out of me to you, to you.

I loved the pregnancy, I was very happy with it, I felt as good as I did not feel in any other pregnancy, I was so confident in you !! In your health and strength !! I did not worry for a moment, and it does not depend on me. Anyway, everything is fine, without a doubt and without fear suddenly and without panic and anxiety - it was typical that I was just happy, I only dreamed, I just raised my hands and was washed, and I waited, and listened inside.

Gone are the days - ups, downs, flu, blood pressure, fever, laundry, dishes, comfort, Shulamit, Zvi, and Batsheva. My head explodes, my parents come in a few days, everything crumbles. But I will overcome and write.

I have not been pregnant for two weeks, I have been emptied of you for two weeks, of your warmth, of the beating of your heart, of your holy soul. And the feelings and memories. More and more I feel it becomes an increasingly blurring nostalgia. I remember I was pregnant. On Hanukkah, on Saturdays, on hot, rainy weekdays, in a good mood, a bad mood. Everything is so full of anticipation, and the big secret. Even until Tuesday two weeks ago, a week of silence - Eli's speech fast.

It too merged within this pregnancy. Laughter, performances, difficulties, rapprochement, Shabbat, and below all - you, waiting for you, feeling you.

I went to the doctor ... When I left I was standing at the station, washed with immense joy, before my eyes a spectacular view of Jerusalem, with the special light on the roofs and shingles and on the Temple Mount, and a kind of strange and bright fog behind the hospital. All the confidence in me, the pipe I discovered in me, the open connection with me and the strange power in me, without any external conditions, a power that means the opposite of muscle making, mental preparations, plans and expectations, but a power of apparent weakness and helplessness, opening all the pipes, Mali will pass from him to me, And after I am filled he will move on from Mali onwards. Confidence in our grip on truth, perhaps for the first time without conditions and without results, happiness of truth ----

And in front of Jerusalem, and at that moment all my feelings were poured out into it all ... and I am a part of it and within it.

Dina Horovitz


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