Clear self in connection with Eli - Z. Cheshvan 5733 (translated)
I have to think. Although Eli does not say this correctly, and although he does not understand the main point, when he speaks his rebukes, there is a certain degree of truth, in fact, it is not exactly true, the problem is that I have no will of my own at all. Despite all my feelings and impulses, etc., I have no desire of my own. I can not find my will. Where is my soul?
Of course, my will is God's will, or God's will is my will, but I am so lazy, too lazy to even think about it, but today I am beginning to repent, see things from the point of view of Klal Yisrael and act accordingly. But what does that mean? But how do I know what it means without being there right now?
I do not know where I'm going, and I do not understand how to know where and how to start? what should I do? I can only guess and trust what other people are saying. Eli, so in the end ... and since I'm in a closed system, I can not move forward, so I stay in a position where I just go in a closed circle and back for goodness sake.
The same people, past and present, are constantly walking around with me, it seems to me, and they are calling me to get out of the circle, run away from it, fly and climb higher, with them, but I am so confused and I ask how to perform this step, how to escape to heaven. I dream of the rope that will help me jump and how do you know when to stop ?! A little more and a little more. And it hurts when you stop. And they, the same people. And I get confused with the voices and they are not perfect, so I am cheated and I can not find anything, and especially I can not find myself.
Eli says I have to learn and make everything I learn a part of me, but it is also irrelevant to me because I am too confused between making something a part of me, and being superficially emotionally superficial. Or I do not understand.
I wonder about my motives. Do I want to understand in order to know the truth for Klal Israel, or for me? Am I really so sure I will really do something for someone, for me?
Now it's later. What a providence. I went upstairs to pick up my mail and met Judith (I forgot her last name) who was getting married right now and she asked me if I was engaged !! We eventually set a time to sit together to learn something.
Now I'm sitting here and I'm totally confused and do not know what else is inside me. I know I'm in good hands, but I'm so worried that I do not have the potential inside, that I am not ready to get on the wave, that I will not understand the whole thing, that it will be a waste of time, or worse, that it will be useless, that it will taste bad. , That it would be blasphemy.
I want to be a good woman, to do good things, but I want someone to emulate, not Israeli, not yet, but what can I do?
Eli is lucky, he is disconnected enough. It's not a matter of achievement, it's my private path. I need to not only understand what I need to do and how to do it, I need to be very careful about how I judge what I do. Not in the sense of "to what extent," as I am used to doing, it is something I do well, but as Rabbi Kook says, "you are not allowed to look back." So what is that? I will not know until I know, and I will not know until I progress, and in the midst of all this I do not know what I am talking about and what I love for Eli.