Debbie's reflections on the day her grandmother died at the age of 99 and a half. Reflections on a complex family connection
Wednesday, Iyar
In 6 hours there will be a funeral (in America)
The counting of the Omer has become for me a thread that connects generations, bride and mother-in-law, daughter and mother ...
To shower her with love, attention, listening - all according to her needs and ways and not according to my needs and ways (including halakhah ...).
I pray to Gd to give me the strength and ability even though I am afraid, terrified of being open with my mother:
The coldness she feels towards her mother kills me and scares me very very much and I do not know why? Am I so indifferent?
Her misunderstanding and her emotional "stupidity" about Brian's actions is frightening ... Like, am I so insensitive?
The saying that she has no pleasant memories of her mother at all, is accompanied by tears, frightening, etc. - was there abuse there? Am I childish too - frozen in adolescence? Am I so selfish too ?! Egocentric ?! Shamelessly?
The resentment she shows towards her sister who abandoned her grandmother, while she is constantly far away, scary, etc ... Am I so incapable of seeing reality? Am I so deceiving myself about the closest relationships?
Even yesterday she asked me: "I hope it's not too much trouble ..." Why am I so convoluted?
In relation to Grandma, I am consumed with guilt:
I did not write, I did not send pictures, I did not encourage, she had no place in my heart.
I have memories and I want to connect to them, but not really. Maybe I'll also discover things I don't understand there - the lies? Selfishness ?? I will not happen to her? Am I her tool?
General: I do not have time. I wanted to invest in a thesis. It's ruining 'my plan. Today from whom she was supposed to travel until after Shabbat and instead - a nuisance. Full attendance, home with guests and I need to serve.
Am I not really disgusting ??
In relation to Bryan!
He is an angel, a good and normal heart, and with all his sins, is he a much better person than I am ???
